This Side of Paradise

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Marina. 18. Tokyo. Bates '17.

I shower you
With all the love I can muster
That may not be all that is in me
But it is all that I have to give
Because I can’t empty myself of what I need also

But you think what I have to give you is not enough
You don’t hear my words
“Show me” you say
But I’ve given you everything I can give

If this all just means I need more to myself than I ever realized
And I have to give you up just to love myself enough not to hate myself instead
Then we are not equals,
Counterparts, nor connected souls

How can I ache
For someone who doesn’t understand the knots in my head
How can I crave
For someone who is jaded with me

What good is it to pretend that this wouldn’t have ended
If I wasn’t leaving.
And we hadn’t kept telling ourselves
“Hold on till May”
A demise is a demise
whether we burn away
or sputter out.

The other night
I was walking back late from the library,
I walked through the quad, and I passed Parker
And I saw that your light was on
And it made me think of all the things that are now
And all that now won’t be soon enough
What I have now is so rare, so special, but so temporary
The next time I’m walking that same walk at that same time of night
I will have lost you
And that room will just be a memory from when I was eighteen
And didn’t realize what I had
Because I know even now, that things won’t be the same
Seven months is a long time
And time changes people
Like you and me.
And us.
We are something good, id like to believe
But I am eighteen and know only as far as my mind will let me see
And I can make you happy only as long as you’ll let me
Like you can only hold on to me as long as I’m here
But I’ll be gone, in due time or not
You’ll stay to grieve the pain of losing what you sought
And when I see you again
Things won’t be the same
Because the Light from your room
Won’t be yours anymore.